EDIT – I’ve just reread my post from yesterday and I see that I sort of wrote about this yesterday… that shows how dissociative I was – I didn’t even remember what I’d ‘realised’ after the session!
I’ve just had a realisation about yesterday’s session. The distance and lack of connection I am feeling with Anna is exactly what I feel with Grace. The therapy room is often a mini stage for all the things that happen in our day to day lives that we can’t get a hold of.
The therapeutic relationship is an intense version of other relationships in our lives. It places us under the magnifying glass. Showing us what often remains unconscious. It acts as a mirror, reflecting back to us what we need to learn about our patterns, thoughts and behaviours. It unpicks and scrutinises so that we may learn new ways to be with others and with ourselves.
I have unconsciously transferred my feelings (the very frightening numb nothingness I feel for my kids – especially my daughter) so that I can work on it in the room with Anna. I wonder if she experienced it like that too. If she did then she could use that counter-transference to help me understand how my daughter (and probably other people in my life) feel when I’m going through an episode of disconnect. Does she feel connected to me or does she feel pushed away and shut out? Does she feel like I’m not all there or is she still able to sense the care and bond between us even when I can’t feel it?
This could potentially be really important work. I’ll be bringing this to Anna on Tuesday. I wonder if she’s also reflected on the session and sensed this dynamic playing out.