The past couple of sessions have been focused on present day relationships. I’ve been in a very adult place and there have been some pressing issues in my close relationships that needed to be picked apart.
So often, present day issues are ignored because the past feels urgent and like it has waited long enough. But recently it’s felt okay and right to talk about ‘today’. Of course, as Anna often points out, even when we’re not taking about my mother it is always about my mother. Repeating patterns in current relationships can always be traced back to her. How I expect to be treated. How I armour myself needlessly, in an act of wilful protection, as if by creating an impenetrable wall now could somehow protect the child of 30 years ago. I cannot go back in time, I cannot save her. But I am starting to listen. I am starting to pay attention, to feel, to hear and therefore to heal. By breaking down the seemingly innocuous details of present day irritations, arguments, unspoken rules, beliefs… I am gifted with a window into my past through the lens of Anna’s expertise and greater perspective.
Anna reminded me, as we finished up on Tuesday, that my mind will process in ways I can’t predict, and to be gentle with myself. The processing… it is happening now. I have felt great all day – actually had the thought that maybe I could reduce my sessions, that I haven’t had any overwhelming emotions threaten to drown me recently. Then tonight, completely out of the blue, I had the image in my mind of my teenage self coming home and not knowing what state I would find my mother in and I suddenly found myself crying on the bathroom floor, sobbing, ‘it’s not fair…’ over and over, silently. ‘I just wanted a normal mum… I wanted her to cook me dinner, to ask about my day, to care about me, to love me… it’s not fair.’ And there it is – the unpredicted processing, the grief flooding in through the cracks in the bathroom door and I’m gasping again.
What a twisted, meandering maze this recovery game is… and I know no one ever said life was fair but, it really isn’t fair at all!