Healing My Trust Wound

*My trust wound tells me other people are not safe. It tells me that I will be hurt and abandoned by people who are important to me. It triggers a very strong instinct to protect myself. This feels safe but it also shuts down connection. This results in a sense of rejection and abandonment because I don’t let people in. This proves my theory that people will hurt me and aren’t to be trusted.*

With the help of a lot of amazingly insightful people, my reaction to yesterday’s session now makes a lot more sense.

I have a very sensitive trust wound that is massively triggered by my attachment with Anna. (A really useful thing I learned is that we have different attachment styles with different people, what triggers me with certain people is not an issue with others… this seems obvious now but it kind of blew my mind!). Deep down inside me I still believe Anna will hurt me or leave me (to simplify things she triggers my mother wound – big time). Despite my adult managing to form a trusting connection with her, there is still a lot more work to do. The parts that hold most of the trauma went into hiding over the holidays. Which is why I felt mostly secure and calm. The night before my session, the young parts felt very excited about seeing Anna again (maybe because that is the only time they are fully seen). Then when I (we?) got to her office, in a millisecond without me even realising, the protective part of me switched in.

As a very insightful person commented on my previous post – Little Lucy hid behind Adult Lucy’s legs as the adult took over. ‘I’ll go first to check she’s still a safe person…’ then Anna and Adult Lucy got carried away with all the chat about work etc and Little Lucy got left behind, forgotten about. It wasn’t until I was out at my car again (safe) that I felt her ache and longing. But I interpreted that as, ‘I imagined the connection, Anna never cared about me, this is just her job and I am just her client and she just uses techniques to trick me into thinking she cares about me… I’d be a fool to fall for it and let her in!’ This brought on the panic and disappointment… hello inner critic!

Realising that I’d reverted back to being guarded reminded me that the softer, younger parts of me desperately need physical evidence of safety before they can get their needs met. I felt better knowing that Anna was probably responding to my outer displays of a need for protection by holding back a bit to ensure I felt safe… except it had the opposite affect. When Anna replied to my text offering me a phone call it provided evidence that she does care. I told her I didn’t need a call after all. I said, ‘I was really worried because I didn’t feel as close a connection with you yesterday and left feeling so much worse than I’ve felt for the past two weeks. I thought something had changed with you and how you feel about me but I journaled about it last night and I’ve woken up with a different perspective. I think unintentionally I was more guarded and the break had maybe made a part of me go into hiding. I’ve decided it’s important even in the sessions where my adult is the one that’s doing all the talking, my child needs to see and feel that we’re ‘okay’ and that might mean you always sitting closer to me or something. It is important but I’m happy to wait and talk about it on Saturday.’ She replied saying. ‘I’m glad you’re feeling more settled this morning. We can talk on Saturday to ensure that not only your Adult is supported, that your child is not excluded and feels supported also. Take care and hope you’re first week back goes well too.’

I’ve learned that when my trust wound is triggered, I get very protective and I am almost blind to the reality of the situation. I shut people out, the inner critic makes me believe no one cares and I panic because I feel alone and rejected. The thing that I did differently (provoked by a lot of awesome people sharing their perspective on what was happening) is that I reached out to Anna, I took a leap into trust-ville and explained what was going on. Which gave her the opportunity to prove to me that she is still here, she does still care and she is willing to help me work through this. I didn’t abandon myself… I was my own advocate. There is no way I could have done something like this a year ago. I was too frightened to be that vulnerable. This platform has enabled me to share (anonymously) my experience which has shown me I’m not alone in my experience. It’s also invited other people’s perspectives in which has given me a fresh insight. I’m feeling super proud and super grateful right now!

12 thoughts on “Healing My Trust Wound

    1. Yeah totally! It makes sense coz other people’s attachment styles trigger different things in us. An avoidant person is gonna evoke a different response to a person who is anxious and insistent for attention all the time for example.

      Did you read the previous post explaining what a mess I’d got myself in? Lol 😂 I’m so glad I’m feeling better about it and can focus on going back to work tomorrow with a clear head.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I definitely didn’t feel forced, that’s not your style! I’ve read it now and Lucy, I have to say I really appreciate your raw candour, you describe events as though we are there with you.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. You know what, it actually helps me process the session so much to write it like that. I was so shaken up after the session and was trying to remember it in my head so I could talk to a friend about it and I was like ‘I can’t remember anything that happened!’ So what I do is I go to a quiet room with my lap top and I literally start in my mind from the moment I walked in the room and it just flows out of me. It’s stored in there but I can only access it as if I’m retelling from start to finish. So I’m glad it works for you to read it that way ☺️

        Liked by 1 person

      3. I’m the same – so often I come out my double session with Guy, totally blank. So I write the last thing and it comes back in dribs and drabs until I’ve got most of it back again. That’s why I’m terrible at amending and updating all the time, I think o probably publish too early!

        Liked by 1 person

  1. This is awesome work! You sound so solid in everything you’re saying and I’m happy to read that for you, as well as that Anna met your needs in the text afterward. What you say about the inner critic reminds me about what I’m reading in my self-esteem book. That in certain situations our critic is stronger and that it’s function is often negative reinforcement – take away risk of being hurt to increase feelings of security. Your trust issues put in that thought of “things are not okay between us” to protect you and keep you small in the relationship, which relieves the anxiety felt by being vulnerable. Obviously, this is not helpful, and you moved right on past it, able to be open and courageous with your feelings anyway! That’s awesome because it’s positive evidence for you of how you can trust others, and yourself! xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ah so much important stuff in this comment. First of all, yes, I thought your book sounded really relevant to what I’m working through and I made a note of it so thank you for that. Yeah – secondly… the anxiety was massive before the session so I should have known some sort of protective force would step up! I am glad I was eventually able to work out that’s what was going on. Thirdly, at the end – ‘and yourself’ that’s the key isn’t it. If we trust ourselves we unlock everything! Coz then we can trust our judgement of other people and situations… we can feel safe anywhere because we trust we will know what to do. Thanks for this ☺️

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s