4 weeks of unsent texts

26th May

Anna, It’s been a whole week since you phoned me to tell me you’re closing your practice and we will never see each other again. I wonder if you’re thinking about me right now. I wonder if it’s crossed your mind that it’s been exactly a week. I wish I could text you, I miss speaking to you so much. I wonder if you ever ask Linda how I’m doing. I know you’re not meant to but I still wonder… I really hope you’re okay and that your health is improving. I hope you’re happy and calm and enjoying some parts of your days. I had a dream last night that life was back to normal and that we bumped into you at a garden centre. In the dream my kids called out your name and ran up and hugged you. We hugged and cried and it was amazing. The pain of not having you in my life any more is unbearable. I love you, Lucy.

27th May

To Anna, I dreamed about you again last night. My nights are filled with you, as are my days. In my dream we had two ending phone sessions ahead of us. The second last session was minutes away and I’d busied myself getting everything organised and I was sitting waiting for your call. The minutes ticked over and you didn’t call. Then with horror I realised I’d got the time wrong, it was meant to be 3 hours before but we’d been out and you hadn’t text or called to check why we’d not had our session. I phoned you and begged, cried down the phone asking you to let me have it at another time but you gently and kindly told me no, that it was best to leave it. That it was a good sign that for the first time in two and a half years I’d forgotten the session time. You said it meant I was moving on. I was crying so hard telling you I’d never move on and that I never wanted any of this. Crying at you that we now only had one more session left. It was agony. Then I woke up and was faced with the reality which is so much worse. We have no more sessions left and will never again. I’m speaking to Linda in two hours. I wish it was you. Love Lucy x

27th May

To Anna, Linda doesn’t understand me like you do. Having to explain something to her takes so much more time and effort and words than the few I’d need to say to you. And even when I manage that, she doesn’t respond with anywhere near half the empathy and connection that you did. I know now what I had with you. There was never a wall, Anna. I felt your care. My session today was just a painful reminder of what I’ve lost. I don’t know how to live my life without you. I don’t know how to be a mum and wife without being able to process things with you. I hate my life without you in it. I wish I could bring you back. Missing you so much today. Love Lucy.

27th May

Anna, It’s amazing how human kindness and connection helps us heal. I feel you in the care of others. I think it’s because I learned to take it in by first taking in your care. I woke up crying today. Then I felt very misunderstood in my session with Linda. Because she’s not you. I took a higher dose of meds than I’m used to and I fell asleep. Woke up suicidal and had a blurry check in phone call from my GP. I left my home tonight feeling desperately hopeless. I left the kids in the bath and husband at the sink and drove away. Could have taken one of two roads. Ended up at my friends house sitting at the end of her garden, many metres away from her. I cried and talked and she listened and she cared. She told me I’m too hard on myself and she told me that my grief makes sense (even to someone who has never been in therapy). I felt her support. I’m writing up my session notes and I can see through a more balanced lens that there were some helpful parts. Life feels more hopeful in this moment and my missing you not so blinding. Love Lucy x

27th May

Anna, When I got home tonight it was late but the kids were still up. I haven’t been out at bedtime for over two months and I can tell they’ve developed an anxiety over me leaving. Hopefully short lived. I went into Gracie’s room and kissed her goodnight. She was delighted to see me and hugged me so tightly. She excitedly told me all about the games they played while I was out. Then I went in to see Reuben and his lip quivered and with outstretched arms he said, ‘I missed you so much mumma the words are just too sad to say.’ Then he whispered in my ear when I was hugging him, ‘you are my favourite person in the whole world and it was sore to have bedtime with no you,’ I’m so glad I chose to come home. I need to remember that they need me, in whatever state I’m in. Lucy.

28th May

Anna, When I went to bed last night I felt okay. I woke up crying this morning. I want to contact Linda but also I don’t because even if she agreed to between session contact I don’t think she can help me. She’s not you. I want to text you and beg you to change your mind. I want to tell you that all I need is a phone call every couple of weeks. I feel like my life source has been ripped from me and I don’t know how to breathe. Last night I dreamed I was carrying this really big baby. Heavy, with rolls and rolls making it hard to keep hold of. People were asking me to do normal every day things but it was impossible to do anything with the burden of this huge baby on my hip. I fell to my knees trying to pick something up off the floor, managed to stop the baby from hitting the ground and I snapped at the person who’d demanded I do it saying of course I couldn’t help like I normally would coz I have my hands full with this huge baby. I feel like you pulled these parts out into the light and then left me with them. I don’t know how to live my life without you helping me care for them. Please come back to me. Lucy.

29th May

Anna, I don’t think Linda can help me. She’s not all the things that you are. You’re endlessly compassionate, you always seek to understand, you’re reflective and open to feedback. You believe in me and you see my inner child. Your only aim was to make sure we focused on me and we met my needs. Every area of my life feels like it’s pulled tight and fraying in the middle because it doesn’t have you working with me to patch the broken threads. Every area of my life is suffering because I’ve lost you. I think I’m going to need to find another therapist and it’s impossible to imagine finding someone as good as you. I really wish you could give me a list of names to work through. I’m so tired and struggling to believe it could get better. I really wish you’d come back to me. Love Lucy

31st May

Anna, I had a really important session with Linda yesterday. I told her how her words had made me feel and I actually think she listened. She apologised and it felt real. I held an image of you in my mind the whole time trying to conjure up the faith you always had in me to be able to use my voice. She seems to be willing to reflect on how she is with me and learn and be flexible which is good. That’s something I always loved about you. I told her you’d have been proud of me. And I told her you’d said we should go slow. I’ve been thinking about you a lot today, I saw that your picture is no longer on the website. I really hope you’re okay and that life is being kind to you. I keep imagining a time in the future when we might accidentally bump into each other. Miss you. Love Lucy xx

1st June

Anna, It’s half one in the morning and the grief has hit me for the first time in two days. Waves of it. It’s just so fucking unfair. All of this. Things were going so well with us and I still had so much I wanted to take to you. So many unfinished threads. I thought about all the times you told me to remember your face when I’m missing you and struggling to feel a connection. To remember the emotion in your eyes, that it can’t be faked. You told me you think of me often and that you care deeply about me. I wonder if you’ve grieved losing me. Do you still think about me sometimes? Do you know how much this is hurting me? I just want you to come back. It’s torture to look at old session notes. I wish I’d known how limited our time was. I’d never have held back. So much wasted time. I love you and I really wish you could hold me right now. Goodnight. Lucy xx

2nd June

To Anna, I remembered today the session when you told me you’d been to the cinema to see Rocketman at the weekend. You told me the film reminded you of me and that you’d told the friend you were with, ‘I’m doing this work with a client of mine… this is the work I do!’ You said to me, ‘the end scene – that’s what we’re aiming for,’ then you wouldn’t say any more and I’d have to go watch it. So I did, that night. I’m sorry I wasted so much time resisting. I’ll never know what amazing work you would have done with me if I’d just embraced my child. I’ll never find out what ‘the mirror exercise’ involves. In your absence Anna, I’m trying to nurture her as I imagine you would. I hope you know the impact you’ve had on me will last a lifetime. Love Lucy x

11th June

Hi Anna, I still think about you every day. Driven to your old office many times and sat staring at that door imagining you greeting me with your warm smile. In my darkest moments I’ve been amazed at how I’m able to call you up in my heart and seek comfort from all of the love and kindness you poured into me. I’ve been caring for this wounded child of mine who has been so broken by you leaving. My heart aches for you. I hope you’re not feeling isolated and that you’re not very ill. I only want health and happiness for you, I wish there was something I could do to help you. Last night I had a lovely dream about you, we were texting each other and you were sending kisses at the end of your messages. It helped me feel connected to you. I hope you know I’d come back to you in a heartbeat. I wish there was a way. Love Lucy xxxx

16th June

Hi Anna, I’m wearing your perfume today. The pain feels less like a knife edge and it’s feeling safer to let these parts of you back into the foreground again. Luna is still hiding in my wardrobe, she brings waves of grief that I can’t always allow myself to express. I’ve been thinking about the days that led up to the phone call. How you will have deliberated the decision. I wonder when you knew. I text you the Saturday before, did you know then? You will have spoken to Linda. I wonder if you cried as you told her. I imagine you taking it to your therapist and supervisor. I wonder about the details that I’m not privy to. I wonder why it was not an option to take a break and come back when the lockdown is lifted. I wonder what’s going on for you. I still miss you and love you and grieve you every day. I’m doing the work but I wish it was with you. Love as always, Lucy x

6 thoughts on “4 weeks of unsent texts

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