Searching for an Anchor

So, it’s Tuesday again. And even when I’m not really sure of the days (due to some sort of lockdown haze), Monday evening always feels very heavy and emotionally charged. Then I remember it’s the eve of losing Anna and it makes sense. My body remembers and brings the panic and hopeless despair to the foreground.

I drove to Anna’s old office today. I’ve done it almost every Tuesday since the day she called me. I experience a physical pull to be closer to the place she held me. I’ve noticed that on the days I find myself deep in these young feelings I end up drawn to specific locations. Anna’s office. My childhood house (one of them). My old school. A park we sometimes went to. There’s something validating about returning to the place where it happened or where it was felt. Seeing the building or the land. It’s like I’m saying to a small part of me, ‘it was real, it happened, I was there, it exists and your feelings are real.’ Simultaneously I am saying, ‘you’re safe now, I’ve got you.’ It’s as if I find myself searching for an anchor for the pain. Usually when I’m struggling to make sense of the feelings or fully express them. In the absence of an internal sense of grounding it’s as if I go back ‘to the scene of the crime’ so to speak – I look for the pain and the memories and the validation in all the places it may have been lost.

Today, strangely, I couldn’t feel it. I sat staring at that locked door and couldn’t feel a connection to the grief. It can’t be summoned, just like if it’s there it can’t be squashed. What I did feel was an overall sense of calm and safety. Like a tiny glimmer of something new, something solid… like trust. Maybe slowly, through these actions and through my patient commitment to feeling and processing this grief, the younger parts of me are learning to trust they are safe with me… and maybe one day that means the anchor that I am searching for will be grounded inside me.

3 thoughts on “Searching for an Anchor

  1. I’m glad you had this glimmer. And I’m glad you have some space and time to re-visit these places you are drawn to and process losses in whatever way is needed. I really relate to the sense of needing to go back to places to really feel them, so they can be validated. I guess because we didn’t really feel it at the time and so it feels unreal and stops the grieving process happening. Sending love to you, you’re doing so well 💙

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Yeah that’s actually really accurate and something I also sensed… I wasn’t fully alive in the moments and places I’m visiting from childhood. Wasn’t present. Thank you for the encouragement! xx

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Yeah that’s actually really accurate and something I also sensed… I wasn’t fully alive in the moments and places I’m visiting from childhood. Wasn’t present. Thank you for the encouragement! xx

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s