Searching for a New Therapist

I’ve been reflecting quite a lot on what happened yesterday. The session really wasn’t ‘that bad’ in the sense that Linda wasn’t unkind or mean in any way but my response was massive. I was propelled into this cloud of depression and confusion all day. It interfered with my ability to connect with my family and myself. It suddenly dawned on me this morning… though this is probably fairly obvious… she triggered me! And when I put it like that, there’s no more shame or self-questioning. It just makes so much sense. I was triggered.

Linda said a few things that triggered me. She questioned my process. She insinuated I had been in therapy a long time because i was holding myself back and she put herself and her clients in one team and me in another… now all of these things could be interpreted in much less aggressive ways but I was triggered so it all felt huge.

My protective parts kicked in and I experienced shut down. I became very dissociative (I listened back to some voicenotes I sent my friend and it’s actually embarrassing listening back to them… I was not coherent at all!). I felt incredibly depressed and out of place. I felt disconnected from my husband and kids. I felt like I wanted to die. It was a very exaggerated response but one that makes total sense.

I have a session tomorrow afternoon because next week is the first week of us moving to a Monday, Friday pattern. I will attempt to bring these issues to her but I’m unsure she will give me anything therapeutic in return. She isn’t interested in reflecting and analysing the relationship so it may be pointless. However, she has in the past shown a keen ability to take what I saw on board… perhaps not changing herself as a result of my reflections but she will listen I’m sure. The fact that she triggered me isn’t a problem. I actually like a lot of the way she works but there are core issues with the clash between what I need and what she offers. I keep getting these big warning signs that this is not the road I’m meant to be on.

I’ve felt far more grounded today. Less tearful, less detached. I spent a few hours reading over therapists profiles online which always feels fairly depressing. I know this is going to sound completely egotistical but I often read the profiles of these ‘counsselors’ and feel more qualified than them! I really need someone who has clearly done a shit load of their own work. Not someone who looks like they’re in their early 20’s and hasn’t lived life.

So many of these profiles sound contrived and as if they don’t really know what they’re talking about. They list 78 ‘issues’ that they are willing to work on and it leaves you wondering if they really have experience with all these things. A lot of them read as super chirpy and light hearted, maybe they describe ‘needing someone to talk to’ which just feels so surface level and not as deep as I need. I’m immediately turned off by their photo if it’s a selfie or if they look self-conscious in any way. Then there’s the fact that they rarely mention any of the core things I am keen to explore… attachment work, developmental trauma, working with the therapeutic relationship.

I sat and did a little meditation this afternoon and really tuned in to my intuition. I told myself, ‘the right person is out there, you will find them… they will stand out to you when you find them, you’ll just know’ and then I went online again. I immediately stumbled across this therapist’s profile that I’ve never seen before and to be honest they tick allllll the boxes! Only problem is that it’s a man. I worked with a man before and was certain I needed a woman to help me heal my motherwound (especially because I was so certain I could never trust a woman, it became like a challenge to learn to be comfortable in the company of a woman). But I have suddenly realised it definitely doesn’t need to be a woman… I learned how to trust a woman! I learned how to sit with Anna. What I need now is someone who is willing to work on the deep stuff… which this therapist seems to be up for.

So I’ve sent an email and we’ll see where this takes me!

8 thoughts on “Searching for a New Therapist

  1. I really admire you for the courage to step off what would be the easier path to take and try something that feels new and unfamiliar. I did read your post from last night and I agreed that it seemed like you and Linda were operating from completely different places. Given how close you were with Anna and the compatibility there, I can see how it would be triggering to not get that feeling of being understood and accepted now. It’s like doubling the loss for you. Keep us updated, I’m interested to see where this goes for you and I don’t agree with Linda that your analytical nature is getting in your way. It’s how you make sense of things.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes that’s exactly it – we’re operating from completely different places. And compared to what I had with Anna, Linda just isn’t going to come close. Thank you for the last couple of sentences – that felt very affirming 🌿💞

      Like

  2. Ellen Plasmans

    Hi Lucy,

    I work with Imi Lo from Eggsheltherapy. She helpend me tremendously.

    http://www.eggshelltherapy.com

    Love,

    Ellen

    Op zo 30 aug. 2020 om 18:35 schreef Finding Lucy King :

    > Lucy King posted: ” I’ve been reflecting quite a lot on what happened > yesterday. The session really wasn’t ‘that bad’ in the sense that Linda > wasn’t unkind or mean in any way but my response was massive. I was > propelled into this cloud of depression and confusion all day. I” >

    Liked by 1 person

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