So… as if things couldn’t get more complicated… I’ve been missing Linda! I decided to write her a final email goodbye, and it has helped.
It’s been a couple of weeks since our last session and your offer for me to email you one last time. It’s taken me a wee while to figure out what I want to say and actually if there was any need for me to say anything at all. Obviously, we had the opportunity to work to an end in the final session which I was really glad about and I didn’t want to just email for the sake of it. I had actually imagined I would need more sessions to work deeply on an ending but I do feel like we were able to talk things through together and have a mutually positive ending… despite it being quite painful and upsetting to say goodbye to you for the last time. I think the fact that we started talking about the possibility of an ending a couple of months ago was really helpful, it felt authentic, healthy and open and a totally new experience for me. I’m so grateful for that… I finally had the opportunity to have an ending that was within my control, rather than one that happened to me. I know you’re aware of the significance of me being able to work through that with you and I’m very grateful to you for allowing me the space to feel my way through that process.
I actually found it really hard in the days following our last session to adjust to the fact that we weren’t going to see each other again and I’ve been missing you a lot. Not missing ‘therapy sessions’ but actually missing you. I always found it really easy to talk to you, from the very first session and I’ve missed that. I really liked working with you, the way you are really helped me fully show up in sessions and brought me in touch with a side of myself I wasn’t really aware of before. I can’t remember if I ever told you this but before I worked with Anna I could never envisage working with a woman and there were no women in my life who I could imagine getting close to. I didn’t trust women at all. I feel really privileged and thankful that I’ve been able to work with Anna and you and experience a growing trust in being emotionally intimate and vulnerable with you both in different ways.
I’m grateful that we had the opportunity to talk in depth about the reasons why it was best for me to move on to someone else. Our dual relationship with Anna was always going to be between us and unfortunately would continue to impact my therapy. I’ve been thinking about you a lot recently and wondering if it was the right decision to leave because I miss you and how easy it was to talk to you, there’s been a lingering sense of regret. But today I realised that it’s okay to miss you and I don’t need to do anything to alleviate the longing (except maybe to send you this final email). We had 38 sessions over the past 6 months so it makes sense I would feel the absence of us meeting and that I would miss the relationship we worked on. I’ve reflected on all the work we covered in that time… it was a lot! I know it wasn’t always easy for you to work with me, but you always showed up for me. It was really important work we did together and I’m glad I got to work on everything I brought to you.
The past 6 months have been intense, beyond words! I stand by what I said about it being the hardest period of my adult life. I confronted some very dark and uncomfortable feelings with you as my witness. Those early weeks following Anna leaving, I genuinely believed I wouldn’t survive it. You were right when you said that I jumped in with both feet and so did you. I feel like six months ago I was a person existing in a space of shock and internal chaos, now I am in a far more stable, grounded and autonomous place. Thank you for meeting me exactly where I was, each and every session, and for walking with me through the past few months towards the next stage of my journey.
I really do wish you all the best, Linda and I’m glad I had the opportunity to meet and work with you.