…here comes the flood!
I know we haven’t talked about your rules around contact between sessions so I’m sorry if this is not welcome, when we meet next I’ll be happy to discuss it with you and will agree to whatever boundary you put in place. I just really wanted to send this because I’ve been so activated since our session and there’s a lot of young/vulnerable stuff coming up… I need to get back into my adult space and sometimes writing it down and sending it helps with that. Friday’s session was really really hard and I struggled to feel connected to you for most of it. In fact I felt like I was on my own for a lot of the session which is a familiar feeling, it’s just what I do when I’m feeling really dysregulated… the walls go up and it feels so painful coz then I’m alone and I’ve exposed parts of myself to the other person and STILL I feel alone. After the session ended I wrote out my session notes like I always do because that helps me remember all of the things the therapist actually said and helps me remember that you were actually there and how you tried to reach me. I remembered that you said, ‘we’ll go very slowly and hopefully you can feel me with you a little bit’ which was so nice. Also when you said, ‘it’s often facing feelings alone that makes them so unbearable’ and when you said, ‘I want it to be safe with us over time… for your emotions to come forward’… I’m holding those words inside me and trying to feel them. But it’s hard to believe that they’re real and that you really mean them.
I just need to say that when you ask me how I feel in my body I don’t always know what the right answer is and sometimes I just make it up in my head what I think the answer should be. I’m worried that I’m not self-aware enough for you and that you will get bored or frustrated with me and want to stop working with me. I find it really hard to tune in to my body and sometimes it’s so scary that I don’t even feel like I have a body and even just hearing the words ‘how does that feel in your body’ feels too much for me. I don’t really know how to slow down and when you said for me to slow down in the first two minutes of the session and you laughed a bit when you were saying it, it felt like you were laughing at me even though I know in my head you wouldn’t have been doing that at all… I mean I 100% know you definitely would never be laughing AT me but that’s how it felt. I just am so overly sensitive to any perceived mocking and I felt like an idiot for not knowing instinctively how to slow down. It’s embarrassing. Like I imagine you would expect someone with this much experience in therapy to be much further ahead than I am. But there’s still so much that’s wrong with me and I’m so ashamed of that.
There is so much going on all the time inside me. I miss Anna all the time but I know you’re not going to want to talk about that forever. I feel confusing mixed emotions about stopping work with Linda. I miss her and I’m angry with her and I’m exhausted with how much effort I put into that relationship hoping it would work and it didn’t. It all just feels like such a mess. I should be trying to get to know you and letting you get to know me… which is really fucking hard. I don’t know what I should be telling you, there’s just SO MUCH… and then all that crap came out about the caesarean stuff which I’m now really embarrassed about telling you but at the time it was in the front of my mind because I was so sore and full of the memories of it all after being worked on by my osteopath the previous day. But I’ve never talked about any of that to anyone in therapy or out of therapy before and it feels like such a weird and bizarre thing for me to have focused on. Why did I talk about THAT!?? And now I feel like I wasted the one single hour I get a week with you… and I don’t feel like one hour a week is enough. I’ve had two sessions a week for nearly two years and it’s been a big wrench going down to one. I want to have two sessions a week with you but I’m afraid you’ll say no to me and also I can’t remember the reason why you said we should wait before we go to two sessions a week. It’s just so hard for me to hold it all by myself and I’m worried you will want to stop working with me if I’m too demanding. Seven days is a long time, I lose any sense of connection between myself and the therapist when it’s that long.
I can’t even really put into words what this deep desire to reach out and email you is all about but it happened a lot with Anna before we went to two sessions a week. I know in my head that there’s a possibility I’ll regret this if I hit send… I just need to know you’re still there and that you’ll come back to me on Friday and that you won’t suddenly leave me. But those needy feelings make me feel gross and disgusting and they are the exact thing that makes people want to leave… because this is too intense. It IS too much. I know you said I wasn’t too much for you and that you made a point of saying that but I was really behaving myself in the session… this neediness that I’m showing you in this email… THIS is too much. It makes me sound stupid and needy and not like the intelligent adult I want to be.
So, there you go… I think this is a record for me. Two sessions in and this attachment stuff is kicking off already. Fuck! Oh, also I feel bad for swearing so much. Sorry about that! I spend all my time with kids when I obviously don’t swear at all and sometimes it all comes out in therapy!
There’s a 50/50 chance that when I send this I will either feel relief or panic… if me sending this to you makes you feel angry please just let me know what you expect of me and I’ll not do it again.