He replied…

Hi Lucy, Thanks for reaching out, and letting me know whats happening you. We can speak on friday and if that feels too long, I can happily make some space for you at 4.15 today. Let me know if you would like this, otherwise see you on friday.
Best wishes Mark

So… I’ve accepted the session and now I don’t even know what I feel. Last night I came to realise that my younger parts had freaked out and sent the email in a way to test him.. I remembered talking to Anna about this behaviour in depth. She told me my child could test her any way she felt necessary. When I told Anna I didn’t want to be ‘difficult’ Anna said, testing isn’t being difficult ‘it’s about establishing safety’. And once again Anna’s work blew my mind.

I was testing Mark. Or rather, my child was (let’s blame the child). Testing his boundaries. Testing that he’ll be a safe person. Testing that he really does want to do the deep developmental work. Testing that he understands parts work and attachment wounding. testing to see if he’s easily angered or if he can be patient with ‘acting out’. None of this was consciously in my mind when I sent the email but it very much came up for me when I settled down in the evening.

This morning I began to regret sending the email and I wanted to tell Mark I’d figured out why I sent it and not to bother replying. Then I realised, from a more compassionate place of reparenting, my child needs to follow this one through. I can’t step in and protect my child from whatever relational issue this is. It needs to be worked through with Mark. And my child needs to see how he’s going to respond. In the early day’s it’s a fairly independent relationship they’ll forge. I can’t step in the way of that and not should I try to rescue Mark from this situation. I’ll have to let it pan out. I need to.

What’s interesting is that obviously all of this came up with Anna, massively. It came up with Paul, my first therapist, in a different way. It never came up with Linda. My child parts figured out very early on that Linda was not the right person for them to work with and so they went into hiding. Any emails I sent Linda were from my perfectionist, critical, inner parent/teacher/adult. I don’t recall sending vulnerable/needy emails or even meeting her in that space.

So with Mark, it’s taken two sessions! And they were fully out yesterday when I sent that email… let’s see what happens this afternoon. I’m feeling quite nervous about it and worried that he’s going to go in with the boundaries which I always find really hard. Despite the knee jerk reaction wanting to say I’m fine and see you Friday… I replied…

Hi Mark,
Thank you so much for this. It would be good to have a session this afternoon.
I have put the money through just now. See you at 4.15.

And he’s just replied saying…

‘Grand – see you later. M.’

Which has made my whole system relax 💛

9 thoughts on “He replied…

  1. slantgirl

    amazing!! I love this! while starting over is hard for sure, you know yourself so well now, and how the systems work. I’m so glad he is meeting you in that place as well! Enjoy your check in later. xx

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Lucy, this is so wonderful that he responded and offered you this session today. You explained yourself so well in this post. Now you just need to express this to him. And hopefully work out with him a second session that you obviously need. You got this!

    Liked by 2 people

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