A bit of you could leave at the moment and you could keep a little bit of yourself here…

So this was an impromptu session, offered after a panicked email sent the night before. The meeting began and I considered immediately turning off my video so he couldn’t see me. I was sooooo nervous. The bell rang in my ear and I said ‘hi’ really quickly and he said, ‘hello, let me get rid of my self view and then I’ll be more present to you… Lucy… there we go.’ Then he said very purposefully ‘hello’ in a gentle voice.

He said, ‘how are you on starting?’ and I told him I was really nervous and I apologised for the email and thanked him for the session. He said, ‘yeah, you were kind of saying the week felt a long time and I sort of felt, I didn’t want you left with a load of stuff over the week gathering momentum or however that would have played out and as I was able to offer to see you… you also said in your email that you anticipated either feeling relief or panic after sending it so I’m slightly curious as to which one it was.’ I smiled at this (thought felt a bit exposed by him referring to the email immediately). I said, ‘so I immediately felt relief and just got on with the rest of the evening and then this morning I felt regretful and ashamed and was very close to emailing you saying please ignore that email and its fine lets just forget about it.’ Mark said, ‘something in you wanted to do that, the reaching out (as I saw it) and letting me know some of your process and what I stimulated in you and what you worried about what I was left with and all that sort of stuff. So you kind of wanted to do that and then you felt bad for doing it and almost wanted to undo it.’ I said, ‘that hasn’t happened in a while, a couple of years. I described it before like there’s lots of different parts of me all wanting very different things and so today I was getting on with being a teacher and mum and kind of shamed myself for my ridiculous email…’ he said, ‘so that’s how you feel about the part of you that reached out?’ I said, ‘yeah in such a childish way!’ he cut in and said, ‘it didn’t sound a childish email, it sounded very articulate and a very truthful look at some of what you’re experiencing.’ I said, ‘right… I was pretty articulate when I was a child!’ we both laughed and he said, ‘you were! You’re doing better than me!’ there was some hesitation and I said, ‘vulnerable, then?’ he asked how what he said had landed with me and I said, ‘I’m not getting an angry vibe from you so that feels good,’ he said, ‘yeah you were worried about me being angry,’ I continued, ‘I like being called articulate!’ there was silence and then I said I didn’t know and he said that was okay. I started to well up and said I felt grateful.

I said, ‘what came up for me yesterday, I’m frustrated because I thought I was ‘over that’ but actually what I think happened was that I’d got to some sort of place of security with Anna and then with Linda those parts of me just knew not to reach out to her at all, there was no way she could hold any of that and so… and yeah I am articulate! But that’s almost my undoing because that’s a really great way to hide the very vulnerable, young, scared parts… I can analyse myself, I know what was going on. After I sent the email I was like ‘hmmm that’s that whole testing thing, I’m testing him, I’m seeing how he’s gonna respond to this’ and then this morning I thought now that I figured that out I should just say it’s fine, lets forget it… but then I thought actually its coming out for a reason and that part of me has been in hiding for 6 months and something made it come out yesterday.’ Mark said, ‘yeah… so your young parts are very welcome.’ And there was this wash of emotion and prickly shame that felt like it might bowl me over. He continued, ‘and I really hear wat you say about hiding them with your articulateness, it’s a good skill, but it could mean that they don’t get met and so letting them take up a little bit of space here and now and just seeing if we can hold them together… I can see that’s bringing up some feeling and I’m also not wanting you to feel too overwhelmed coz you said it was a hard session on Friday.’ I said, ‘but I actually think I’ve always hidden behind that articulate mini grown up type thing my whole life.’ He said, ‘hmmm and maybe you don’t have to right now.’ And the silent tears came again. There was this slow burning sadness in my chest and my throat through the whole first half of this session. Every so often a tear would escape.

I wrapped my very fluffy cardigan around myself and folded my arms and Mark mirrored this and asked if it felt good to give myself a hug. I felt really embarrassed and hesitated before saying, ‘a bit like hiding maybe?’ he said, ‘It could be yeah. You let yourself… your body did it organically. I take it as something protective and if I do that I can also experience myself sort of holding myself in a good way, in a soothing way. I don’t know if that’s true for your experience.’ I said, ‘hmmm I just feel very visible and on show and…’ he said, ‘its how it is to be seen at a number of levels.’ And again I felt like I could burst into tears. This all very incredibly intense and almost intolerable. I said, ‘but also it’s embarrassing to know what’s going on and it still goes on anyway. To understand what’s going on with me but I still can’t fix it and…’ Mark said, ‘it’s not about fixing in my book it’s allowing us space, in this case for your young parts to be fully felt for what the yare and when you can be present to them with some support from me, in a good way, something will just ‘do itself’.’ I couldn’t really respond there was a lot of silence.

Then I said, ‘it is hard to go a full week between sessions, I wish that it wasn’t hard but it is. I think… I dunno…’ lots of multiple short sighs here. I continued, ‘it was really working with Anna and then I tried really hard to make it work with Linda and… that dynamic with Linda, the side to me that does all the intellectualising and researching and reading psychology books really kicked into overdrive and I just read and read and read and Anna had encouraged me to put away all the books and just let her do her job but with Linda that became like a compulsion again and I found myself trying to almost educate her on what I needed as if trying to find validation in the pages of the books… like ‘this thing exists, attachment stuff, developmental stuff’ this is a real thing and people do work like this, because Linda was so not getting it.’ Mark said, ‘you were trying to help her get it and also looking for validation for your own experience to see yourself in those pages…’ I actually liked him doing this, the mirroring, it helped me feel less alone. I continued, ‘it’s actually similar to my relationship to my mum – me trying to make her the mum in needed her to be basically,’ my voice was very shaky here and I felt really young. He said, ‘a bit of a reenactment, with your childhood.’ I said, ‘I have not felt that I need to do that with you,’ Mark said, ‘so that allows something in you to relax perhaps? I know you came in anxious but it looks to me like you’re settling a bit now?’ I said, ‘but then it’s also really scary to be seen like that. Really scary.’ He said, ‘really scary.’ And I said, ‘when you point stuff out like that I’m like ‘fucking hell I hate this!’ he said, ‘ah… okay I might need to back up slightly with that, I don’t know coz its our relationship with being seen. I think we all want to be seen and also it scares us shitless all in a oner.’ I laughed and thanked him for swearing saying it made me feel better for swearing. He laughed and said we could swear together! It was nice, I felt like he had really taken everything I said in my email on board and was making a conscious effort to help alleviate some of the things, like me feeling bad for swearing.

I told him that in the very early months I would get Anna to look away from me, when it became too excruciating for me to be seen by her. He said, ‘You can do that with me too. We’re walking a little bit of a tight rope, it’s a good tight rope between us. You want me to see you. You want to feel felt as well. You didn’t get that so much with Linda and a bit of you kicked in like with your mum and tried to help her to help you…’ I was really emotional here.

I said, ‘I almost would be more comfortable if you were angry with me. I could deal with that. I could fight against that.’ I started to get a bit spacey and tried to meander through my thoughts… ‘It feels really… um… I don’t know…’ he said, ‘take your time.’ I said, ‘its really hard to trust people and its hard to trust that its authentic and… it’s the therapy game… client says something, therapist responds… eh… I think this feels authentic which is scary coz then we’re both being real… uh… I keep hearing this ‘undeserving’ in my head’ I put my hands on my head and closed my eyes and quoted the inner critic, ‘you shouldn’t have asked for this session…’ Mark spoke over me, ‘well you didn’t.’ there was a gap and I opened my eyes and he continued, ‘I offered it.’ There was such kind, firmness in his voice. Really engaged and caring. I can’t explain it, it was like he was sticking ‘up for me. There was a gap as I let this sink in. Then I said ‘hmmm, I pretty heavily implied it in my email!’ and he said, ‘yeah you let me know what you might be needing, yes you did,’ and we laughed together. He said, ‘yeah you can ask for what you need but it comes with a kickback by the sounds of it.’ I started to get emotional and said ‘I think I don’t wanna believe that this is going to work out actually.’ He said, ‘oh right okay, part of you is invested in holding the view that it wont, or… hmm… maybe a part of you is worried about what would happen if it does work out?’ through tears I said, ‘well it was working out with Anna.’ He said, ‘ahhh, and look what happened there. It does make sense that that part of you is scared it might happen again. Being left.’ Oh the silences between his words… it was pure agony. I quietly said, ‘yuhu.’ He said, ‘how is it for you talking about this? Its important. To let you know I’m fine with it, I’m totally okay and I think you’re doing really good work here, but I am aware its been so raw for you with Anna.’ I said, ‘yeah it’s hurting a lot.’ and i began to silently cry. He said, ‘lots of room, to hold your feelings. And no rush.’

I said, ‘ummm…. I’m going in and out of feeling uh, quite spacey and like I’m not here.’ He said, ‘aw well spotted.’ I said, ‘this feels like quite a lot.’ He said, ‘it is, so see if you can… we’re just gonna slow down around this piece and see if you can kind of stay a little bit here with me, without making the spacing out wrong in any way. Notice that a bit of you could leave at the moment and you could keep a little bit of yourself here and we’ll just see what happens. Nothing wrong if you go away or find yourself wherever but… lets just see if we can just breathe together.’ There was then two minutes of quiet as we sat there together and I felt the emotions welling behind my eyes. Eventually I said, ‘I miss her so much… I find it really hard to cope with how much I miss her still.’ He said, ‘yeah. Yeah huge feelings.’ I said, ‘there were parts of me that only she had seen and I didn’t even know were there and I don’t really know what to do with all that now…’ I then explained about what it was like when I started working with Anna. That I found it so hard to talk in the sessions that she encouraged me to draw. I told him of the drawing of the corridor with all the doors off it and explained that behind each of the doors were parts of me… that it’s a visual for what its like in my mind. That when I’m coping and adult, all the doors are shut and everything feels fine but through the work I did with Anna more and more doors would open. I explained to Mark that sometimes all the doors are open and it’s fucking chaos and I have all these different thoughts and opinions and sometimes its like a different part of me is running the show… then I paused and said, ‘now I feel like I wish I hadn’t said all of that,’ Mark said, ‘oh, what came in there? Something came in and you felt that you wished you hadn’t said all that.’ I said, ‘you’re a fucking idiot you sound like a complete lunatic, this is too much, he’s gonna get scared off, shut up, why are you saying all this in the third session!’ Mark said, ‘So there’s some part of you that’s worried about losing me perhaps? In the way that you lost Anna?’ I said, ‘no coz I don’t think that she did that deliberately, she didn’t leave because of me.’ Mark said, ‘no, sure… I didn’t mean it like that, that came out clumsily apologies…’ I said, ‘I’d let her bed in for about 18 months before I let this crazy shit out and now I’m giving you three hours with me and you know you might be like… wow this is intense, I don’t need this shit!’ he said, ‘I’m fine with it actually, I am. I am listening deeply to those bits of you that are a bit scared, there they are, they’re worried about what might happen. and it came in there quite beautifully and then you told me what they were saying inside. And um… not to push past that.’ Through tears I said, ‘I have missed working like this so much and if I had said something like that to Linda… I’m so fucking angry with her actually… I wish she had just admitted that she couldn’t do the work that I wanted to do instead of taking 6 fucking months over it… she said to me that it felt like there were three people in the sessions… me her and my inner critic… I told her there were four coz my child was there too not that she’d ever notice that or know what I meant. She said, ‘I wonder what would happen if you put your inner critic out the door’…’ I sighed and Mark said, ‘it’s trying to look after you isn’t it. Trying to do something for you at least.’ I said, ‘but you don’t get someone to trust you by telling them to drop their guard. She just didn’t get it. It annoys me that I do that… I’ve gone into analysing again.. but I liked the way that you responded’ Mark said it was good that I could let him know that and I did some big sighs.

Mark asked if we could check I with the spacey feeling. I said I felt it again when I was talking about putting the inner critic out the door. I explained, ‘anger is not an easy emotion to feel for me, as soon as I start to feel angry it flicks a switch.’ He said, ‘he asked about the switch and I said, ‘it just makes me feel distanced from everything like ‘pffffh’ everything just goes… uhhh…. like now… like foggy…’ Mark said, ‘yeah…. lets just hang out with the fog and give it a little bit of space. It’ll clear in it’s own sweet time and remember anything I suggest you can be the judge of whether to go with it or not… it might be helpful while you’re feeling a little bit foggy just have a little look round the room and see if there’s anything that makes you feel good or safer. You’re in your own room…’ I said, ‘there’s a part of me that wants to tell you everything and answer what you’ve said and tell you what I’m looking at and then there’s another part of me that is saying its too much too fast.’ Mark said, ‘we go with the voice of safety, don’t we, we go with the voice of that would feel too much. So don’t tell me what you’ve looked at or even thought about or know is in your room but let yourself have it with you. You don’t need to tell me about it.’ There was some silence and I took a big breath and said, ‘I like that.’ More big sighs. Mark said, ‘noticing, what inside said I like that. Something in you liked it. Notice it. Deepen into that a bit. You don’t have to tell me anything, just be in this moment. Sort of settle into it.’ Eventually I said, with a shaky voice, ‘you’re not forcing me to do anything. It feels really respectful and gentle and slow and nice. I do feel like… how dare Linda feel like just coz she’s a therapist I’ve to immediately trust her and drop my defences. She totally doesn’t understand defences if she things you can just put your inner critic out the door that’s not how it works. Also… if the inner critics there its coz there’s vulnerable parts there that feel the need to be protected and she didn’t understand that either…. soooo many times I told her this was the type of work I wanted to do and tried explaining it and read from books and was really respectful about the fact that we didn’t choose to work together and she kept telling me she was fine with this kinda work but she couldn’t do it… anyway… I’m grateful that she stuck around and she didn’t just quit but I’m angry…’ Mark said, ‘what would that anger want to say to her, here and now, she’s not here so you can say it.’ I paused and ummmd and then laughed and said I didn’t know. Mark asked what came up for me then and I said, ‘I’m so shit at this, the anger just turns into compassion and I’m just like, ‘ah maybe she didn’t realise she couldn’t do it, if she’s never gone this deeply or had this kinda shit gone on for her then maybe she doesn’t know what I’m talking about and maybe I was making her do something that she really didn’t know or understand… she didn’t choose to work with me and maybe it was hard for her and I spent hours and hours crying about her friend leaving me, maybe that was hard for her.. the anger goes and I…’ Mark said, ‘that’s very interesting, well I find myself very interested, everything you said there was very reasonable and empathetic and maybe totally on the money. She’s not here to say and that’s fine but… the anger has been there and its surfaced but its hard to let that speak. I trust for good reason.’ I said, ‘I find it hard to balance that you can be angry and also understand that the person didn’t do the thing deliberately to hurt you. I found that hard to do with my mum too… so if there are valid reasons for something then you shouldn’t be angry and I know that’s not the case and you can have both it doesn’t need to be one or the other. But as soon as I touch in on the anger, this other side kicks in and makes the anger melt away and I’m left with ‘she didn’t do it deliberately, she did kinda hold space for me twice a week even though she said she’d never worked with someone twice a week before… I was too much for her, the work I wanted to do was different to what she was able to do.’ Mark said, ‘there’s disappointment in that actually,’ I agreed and said, ‘the last session was fucking shit and I’m embarrassed and disappointed about that.’ He asked why embarrassed and I said, ‘disappointment and embarrassment are hand in hand for me… don’t expect anything more, why would you think you deserved anything better than that, why would you think that it should be more meaningful when she doesn’t give a shit about you, that’s embarrassing, wanting it to be more meaningful than it actually was, realsiing that she probably actually was relieved, and not sorry to see me go. Then it brought up more grief because I know Anna would have done a fucking amazing ending for me if she’d been able to and that was really important to me because I didn’t get an ending with Tom either and the last session I ended it at like 40 minutes I couldn’t stand it, it was excruciating, she had nothing to say.’ Biiig sigh. ‘I got the sense from her that her ego was in the room a lot and obviously that’s just my perspective but just from working with Anna and knowing how good she was at not letting her ego get in the way and how willing she was to be gracious and keen to reflect on herself, like you said earlier ‘sorry that was clumsy of me’ its so easy to do that, whereas Linda would say ‘that’s not what I meant, you’ve taken that the wrong way…’ she couldn’t see that both of us were in that relationship. It was always going to be my fault coz she was the therapist up here and I was the client down there… I sent her a couple of emails trying to explain to her how some things she’d said hurt my feelings and she told me that I’d turned her empathy into gaslighting. I tried to explain that even her saying that was gaslighting because I was telling her how I felt and she was telling me I was wrong. Mark said, ‘you really stood up for your reality there, didn’t you.’ I said, ‘Anna put all of that into me, one of the last things she said to me was ‘use your voice’…’ Mark said, ‘and you did, you should be proud of that.’ I said, ‘I wasted it on the wrong person because she couldn’t hear it. She called me sensitive, which I find really hard to hear… and because I found it hard to hear it proved her point, that I am sensitive. And there was no way round that. And that’s what my relationship with my mum was like. No way round… if someone calls you sensitive and you’re hurt by that then you ARE sensitive… its this cycle.’ Mark said, ‘yes I see what you’re saying. You’re made wrong and then you’re made wrong for feeling hurt by that. Digging yourself a deeper hole in that relationship and for you that was a direct reenactment of your relationship with your mum so it’s really charged.’ I nodded and said, ‘and then Linda said she felt that I was critiquing her, which immediately makes me want to stick up for myself to you!’ Mark said, ‘go for it!’ and smiled. I said, ‘I was not critiquing her! That’s not who I am. what I was trying to do was get my need met in the sessions after having two and a half years of working with someone who knew how to do that. And I was feeling the lack of that, painfully and naively believing that Linda was gonna be able to do it as long as I could explain to her what I was needing.’ Mark was agreeing and nodding the whole time and I continued, ‘Anna would love it when I would bring that stuff to a session you know, when I would tell her how I felt about things she’d said. We would explore our relationship and explore how we responded to each other and we’d look at how it maybe related to my childhood or other relationships… whereas Linda would just say ‘that’s not what I meant’ and that would be it, we’d not explore things deeply, or she’d tell me I was being sensitive. So I wasn’t critiquing her, that’s the ego thing, she couldn’t see past her own sense of ‘I’m a great therapist’ ummm… so I said to her that I was really sorry she felt critiqued by me because that wasn’t my intention at all. I told her I was trying to look at our relationship because that’s what most of my therapy had been about for the past 2 and a half years with Anna you know? She was a transactional analysist so almost all of the work we did was on our relationship, how her nurturing made me feel, how her going on holiday made me feel… because it all linked to childhood stuff. It was all alive in the room and Linda was like blown away by this and said she had no idea Anna worked like that. She told me she never worked like that and asked me if I felt like I needed that in my therapy which I said I did and she said she couldn’t do it. So that’s when I really started to look for someone else.’ I sighed and felt so exhausted with the whole thing. I continued, ‘I don’t know why I started talking about that…’ Mark said, ‘notice how you feel having said all that.’ I said, ‘do you think I sound like I’m really full of myself? Like I’m criticising Linda?’ he said, ‘it sounds like it wasn’t a very good fit really, it sounds like she didn’t work in the way that you needed her to work. Not only that but she was caught in a reenactment almost becoming a bit like your mum… you trying to get your mum to be a better mother to you. It didn’t work.’ I said, ‘see if I had brought that to her, she would not have wanted to look deeply into it….’ I went on to explain about times as a young child when I would try to find ways to help my mum. Self help books, mood boards… grown up conversations… being told I was a wise head on young shoulders, ‘what would I do without you’ that kind of thing’. Mark asked if that was my mum who would say that and I nodded. I felt quite unsettled talking about this, trying to explain the ways I had tried to ‘help’ my mum. Mark said, ‘and there was a young child who was abandoned in that really because she couldn’t be there for you in the way that you needed and you tried to be there for her in the way that she needed so that she could be there for you.’ There was a pause and I said, ‘hmm… and I got a tiny tiny flicker of anger and now it’s gone.’ Mark, ‘well, well done tiny flicker of anger.’ There was some silence and then he said, ‘and what’s happening now?’ I said, ‘I feel really upset.’ He said, ‘yeah.’ And we just sat with that for a bit. Then I spoke, ‘that’s the wasted time. That constant feeling of a fear that I’m going to waste time…’ I got more upset and said ‘it was all a fucking waste of time. And I tried so hard and no matter what I did nothing ever fucking changed.’ Mark said, ‘Yeah. How can there not be a lot of feeling about that. You tried so hard and nothing fucking changed.’ I broke the tension at this point and laughed and told him, ‘I really like hearing you swear.’ He laughed and said, ‘I get that.’ And then we went back to serious.

I said, ‘Just like I feel angry and frustrated with Linda for not seeing it and not being professional enough to notice that it wasn’t working, the way that I needed. You know… I could wait until I’m on my death bed before my mum would notice that it was wrong and that she should never have put me in that position and…’ Mark said, ‘she couldn’t see her part in how you related to her and what it was doing to you. She couldn’t see you in it or her part in it.’ I said, ‘my mum is really selfish so as long as she is getting everything she needs, she’s happy… and if I was ever upset or hurt she would call me sensitive or selfish or…’ Mark said, ‘you were made wrong for having feelings.’ I said yeah and he made an agreeing noise. He said, ‘so what did you do as a child with feelings that were wrong to have?’ I had to think for a while then said, ‘well, a lot of the time I didn’t feel. I just didn’t feel.’ he said, ‘makes sense.’ Then I told him about the times when I would feel my whole body shake, just like it did after I had my serious car crash and my whole body shook from the adrenalin. As a child I remember my body doing that and I would think it was so weird because I wasn’t cold but I was shivering. So I would go and lock myself in the bathroom or wardrobe or whatever and cry and cry, then wash my face and go back as if nothing had happened. ‘being part of the conversation and being praised for how mature and wise I was, that was when they would want me around… but then the shaking would come and I would think there was something massively wrong with me.’ Mark said, ‘how does it feel telling me about it?’ and I said, ‘bit embarrassing!’ I went back to the shaking thing to describe it further and Mark said, ‘course yeah bodies do that, they’re meant to.’ I said, ‘I wasn’t in any physical threat but it was an emotional trauma or something… these are not conversations that children should be a part of, really very adult topics. But it was either that or be completely ignored or ridiculed, so I chose that.’ Mark said, ‘and they gave you brownie points, your so wise… you’re so this, that and the other… blowing smoke up your arse at an age when you didn’t need that really. You needed to be looked after and protected and for people to have those kind of conversations when you’d gone to bed or something…’ I said, ‘yeah but they never ever censored anything, ever.’ Mark said, ‘that’s not right, is it, for there to be no boundaries.’ I said, ‘yeah there’s so much stuff there, in the stuff my mum would tell me… yeah.’ He said, ‘and of course as a child, we like to get bumped up don’t we, you know, go where you get the praise, that’s where you grow more into as a kid, but it would mean you grew up before your time.’ I said, ‘its like grooming, like coercing someone into moving someone in a direction they don’t wanna go in.’ Mark said, ‘or is not good for them to go in. hmmm.’ I said, ‘and you should be able to trust these people. To have your best interests in mind. And that makes me think of Linda. But I’m putting too much on her I can see that it’s a lot of transference stuff its really my mum that I’m angry with.’ Mark said, ‘well, yeah and it wouldn’t be wrong in this space to use Linda as a little bit of target practice so to speak, it wouldn’t be wrong. And yet your mum might be the person standing behind Linda, you’re right. But however it wants to come out is fine it just needs to come out and be expressed so you can feel it. Particularly anger which you can kind of do for a flash and then it gets pulled back or something washes over it, something happens there. It feels like what you’ve said is current in that you just come out from working with Linda but it also links so much to your history and you’re making those links which I think is great… but anyway, doesn’t matter too much what I think about what we spoke about, how are you left and how’s it been to talk about this?’

I said, ‘no it does matter what you think actually, it matters to me, whether it should or not it does.’ Mark said, ‘all I meant is that its your experience, its your truth that we want to let speak. Ill have views that I wont be slow in letting you know what they are so you know where I am with it but I’m open to being corrected by what your experience says about it, I think that says it more clearly.’ I said that made sense and told him that the corridor in my mind felt quieter. I told him the wasted time ting would come up time and again because there are so many parts of me all wanting to be seen and heard. That certain parts will feel seen while other parts feel like it was a wasted session. When it might not necessarily have been a waste for whichever part it was that spoke.

I then said, ‘I think all of that was really Important and I’m really glad I talked about it all and I have felt you here, connected a wee bit… which I’m glad about.’ Mark said, ‘ahhh well that’s really important yeah coz it spooked you a little bit that you couldn’t keep hold of that on Friday. Maybe you feel a bit more connected and actually its delightful for me to hear both those things that you said. Both claiming the importance of what came forward for you today and especially actually that it feels a little bit more connected, your left feeling a little bit more connected – even if its only an inch or something. I think that’s probably the more important thing perhaps.’ I agreed and said, ‘can I ask how you feel?’ he said, ‘course you can, yes course you can. I feel pleased that we’ve had today and I do feel good about how its gone so I am feeling quite expansive, um… and there’s also quite a bit to digest which will happen over time and I’m liking getting to know you and that we’re able to speak about what happens between us and let that be the work. That pleases me. And um… yeah and there’s something for me… I know this from experience… letting it find its place over time and in it’s own time.’ He smiled and I thanked him and it all felt really nice. We wished each other well and left the session.

12 thoughts on “A bit of you could leave at the moment and you could keep a little bit of yourself here…

  1. This was such a great session. The following really struck me: “…yeah I am articulate! But that’s almost my undoing because that’s a really great way to hide the very vulnerable, young, scared parts…” I mean this struck me really deeply… my husband and I talk a lot about how the fact that I am articulate keeps me from being “seen” in therapy. But it has not occurred to me that I am hiding the very vulnerable, young, scared parts of myself behind it. Being articulate has felt very much like it gets in the way for me too, and it is very painful. Only three sessions in and you are already doing such deep work! You really do have this Lucy!!! I am very happy for you! 

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It’s such an important discovery. So often, children with attachment/developmental trauma overcompensate by becoming very verbally agile. We had to overcompensate in every area we were allowed to express ourselves because emotionally we were not seen.

      Liked by 1 person

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