This grief is a doorway

When I was very little we lived in a tiny white cottage tucked away beneath the hills. It was a beautiful little sanctuary. We were only there for two years. For those two years we were all genuinely happy. When we moved away, reluctantly, a little piece of me was left behind. Seven stayed. She couldn’t bear to leave.

During one very intense session, Anna and I went back there to that cottage and brought Seven ‘home’. But it doesn’t feel like we made it all the way and now Anna’s gone and it feels as though we are in some sort of black void waiting… we’ve not quite completed the journey. I want to take Seven back there and to bury myself in those hills.

I have cried for 3 hours on and off tonight. The grief has ripped through me as if it’s fresh and raw and brand new. I guess my system has fragmented this pain into a little box to dilute its intensity. It’s insanely painful tonight. This grief, it rips apart all the grief my body has ever felt. It tears at the old scars. It opens the wounds. Demands that I feel them.

This grief, it is the doorway to it all and it is demanding that I feel it. I read over my last few sessions and final phone call with Anna. God what I’d give to call her right now. I have a session with Mark tomorrow thankfully. Just got to get through the next few hours.

8 thoughts on “This grief is a doorway

  1. LovingSummer

    Big hug to you Lucy, you convey your pain so eloquently in your words, it’s almost tangible. I hope your session with Mark brings huge comfort and helps calm your pain ♥️

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you LS. That was utterly horrible last night. Ended up taking diazepam so I could calm down enough to sleep. I’m very groggy this morning. Got to get the kids to school then I just need to wait a few hours until my session 💕

      Liked by 1 person

  2. It has taken me awhile to comment, this pain is so familiar and everything I fear feeling again. My heart goes out to you Lucy! They say these come up when we can handle it, but I am not so sure. But I can only assume having a good therapist to feel it with must be helpful and healing. I hope that is the case for you today!

    Liked by 1 person

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