I’m going through a proper rollercoaster with Mark at the moment. The usual push pull, disorganised attachment shit. It is pure agony as always.
Basically a very young part poured her heart out to him last Monday. I have no idea quite how it happened. Almost a whole hour of unfiltered sharing. Stuff I never told anyone, even Anna. And it felt good to share. And he was so lovely. And he really got it!
I then faced the painful wrath of the protective parts all week. Mark then met a very angry, critical protective part through email mid week and then in session on the Friday as she told him how violating and intrusive he’d been. Listening to the recording I can hear myself saying he behaved like a predator… I can not believe I said that to him.
The truth is that he’d been wonderful and gentle and patient and slow and careful. Not a single ounce of predator in him at all! I’ve listened to the session at least half a dozen times and all I hear is him respecting me and supporting me. Yet on Friday, when faced with my ‘feedback’, he graciously took responsibility for the pain his enthusiasm had caused and offered a heartfelt apology for overstepping my delicate boundary and making me feel unsafe. I asked him if he felt critiqued by me (like Linda used to say…) he said ‘I don’t, but if I did it would be mine to feel and mine to deal with, not your responsibility.’
And now I feel like I’ve pushed him away. Even though he says I haven’t. But he said we need to slow down and listen when parts of me slam on the breaks. But I want to feel him with me, I don’t want to slam on the breaks. I don’t want to build a wall!
I’m thinking about sending him this to help illustrate the internal battle. Although I know he knows. He said to me, ‘even just my presence is frightening to some parts of you and it will take as long as it takes for me to earn their trust… they will test me – you might not want to but they will need to test me, and I’m okay with that. This is the work Lucy, welcome to the work.’ With a gentle smile.
The repair of this mini rupture was so healing and exactly what I needed. But I’m afraid I’ll never get to where I want to be… it feels like a constant uphill battle sometimes. Rolling this boulder up the hill only to have it roll back down and crush me whenever I feel like I’m getting somewhere.