I saw her… your daughter. The girl I refused to even imagine into existence for years. I used to tell myself you didn’t have children, but you do… you have a girl and I found her today quite by chance.
There she was, smiling down the lens. Happy and beautiful and full of energy and personality. She has tattoos and piercings and it made me think of the time you teased me about mine.
She’s ten years younger than me. Remember that time I asked you if you were old enough to be my mum and you said ‘if I’d had you when I was quite young, yes’. That was the session you told me you wanted to scoop Four up in your arms and give her a big hug. You were her mum in that moment.
Your daughter… I can see you love her with all your heart. As I look at her face, I see you in her… and I actually feel love for her. She’s your child and that is such a beautiful thing! She calls you Mum. She gets to laugh with you, eat food you’ve made, sit and watch tv with you, say goodnight to you. She gets to be held by you. She knows you as her mum and I can tell from the things she’s shared, that she values the work you did enormously.
I think she’d be so proud of you if she knew what you did for me. That you shared a bit of that maternal love with me. You had it overflowing in abundance and you let it pour into me. It filled me up at points and other times it smashed into my wall but you never stopped giving it to me, right up until you could no longer be there for me.
Thank you for your generosity. Your authenticity. Your kindness.
Anna… your daughters dog’s name is Luna… that blows my mind! 🐼 do you ever think of me when you call her name?
You looked so proud at her graduation. Just a few months after you met me. I see you being the mum that I hope to be and I see you being more for your daughter than you received. I see you breaking the chains that you helped me begin to dismantle. I remember how embracing and enthusiastic you were when I talked about my brother coming out to me when we were practically kids. And now I see your daughter with her girlfriend I know why it touched you so deeply.
I thought this would kill me, seeing you have a daughter, but I actually feel relieved. You’re alive and you’re not alone. I only want love and health and happiness for you.
The thing that I was certain would hurt me the most, has actually been the very thing that’s enabled me to let you go.
Anna, she shared screen shots of your what’s app messages, you guys have such a laugh together. It’s funny to see you talking in text speak. You were different with me. Thank you for being what I needed when I needed it. I see now why you cancelled those sessions at the end of 2019. She was ill and needed you. Thank you for being there for her and then withstanding my upset and anger at the fact that you couldn’t be there for me.
Now I have seen her, I can place you where you belong – with her. I feel more able to loosen the grip, I got to borrow you for a moment in time.
And now, good bye 💙