I got to borrow you for a moment in time

Dear Anna,

I saw her… your daughter. The girl I refused to even imagine into existence for years. I used to tell myself you didn’t have children, but you do… you have a girl and I found her today quite by chance.

There she was, smiling down the lens. Happy and beautiful and full of energy and personality. She has tattoos and piercings and it made me think of the time you teased me about mine.

She’s ten years younger than me. Remember that time I asked you if you were old enough to be my mum and you said ‘if I’d had you when I was quite young, yes’. That was the session you told me you wanted to scoop Four up in your arms and give her a big hug. You were her mum in that moment.

Your daughter… I can see you love her with all your heart. As I look at her face, I see you in her… and I actually feel love for her. She’s your child and that is such a beautiful thing! She calls you Mum. She gets to laugh with you, eat food you’ve made, sit and watch tv with you, say goodnight to you. She gets to be held by you. She knows you as her mum and I can tell from the things she’s shared, that she values the work you did enormously.

I think she’d be so proud of you if she knew what you did for me. That you shared a bit of that maternal love with me. You had it overflowing in abundance and you let it pour into me. It filled me up at points and other times it smashed into my wall but you never stopped giving it to me, right up until you could no longer be there for me.

Thank you for your generosity. Your authenticity. Your kindness.

Anna… your daughters dog’s name is Luna… that blows my mind! 🐼 do you ever think of me when you call her name?

You looked so proud at her graduation. Just a few months after you met me. I see you being the mum that I hope to be and I see you being more for your daughter than you received. I see you breaking the chains that you helped me begin to dismantle. I remember how embracing and enthusiastic you were when I talked about my brother coming out to me when we were practically kids. And now I see your daughter with her girlfriend I know why it touched you so deeply.

I thought this would kill me, seeing you have a daughter, but I actually feel relieved. You’re alive and you’re not alone. I only want love and health and happiness for you.

The thing that I was certain would hurt me the most, has actually been the very thing that’s enabled me to let you go.

Anna, she shared screen shots of your what’s app messages, you guys have such a laugh together. It’s funny to see you talking in text speak. You were different with me. Thank you for being what I needed when I needed it. I see now why you cancelled those sessions at the end of 2019. She was ill and needed you. Thank you for being there for her and then withstanding my upset and anger at the fact that you couldn’t be there for me.

Now I have seen her, I can place you where you belong – with her. I feel more able to loosen the grip, I got to borrow you for a moment in time.

And now, good bye 💙

21 thoughts on “I got to borrow you for a moment in time

    1. I don’t even know how I’m going to communicate it to Mark. I’ve considered just reading this to him. I won’t send it to Anna, no. I feel a gentle separating now after what I’ve seen… like walking backwards willingly away from a window that I’ve peered into. She’s okay and so I feel it’s easier to let her go 💙

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      1. It is heartbreaking that you had to suffer this much with no closure, and that you had to wait this long and work so hard to find it all on your own… but you found it. This is so bittersweet. Your words give a powerful visual. Mark has been waiting patiently to take and carry this baton! I am proud of you!

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      2. It really is bittersweet. Thank you for your kindness.

        I had a deeply connecting session where we just felt into our relationship and that presence and how that is developing which was so needed. I didn’t feel a need to talk about Anna, it just needed to be all about me and Mark today and I’m so glad I was able to feel that. And my mother came into it too. Which was painful. Hope you’re doing okay Blue 💙

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      3. Thank you Lucy! My therapist came back to me over these past two weeks with such a deep connection. I didn’t think this was possible. I just finished an hour and a half session. She is going to be on vacation next week. She offered to “take me with her” by checking in by phone two days and have two sessions with me online. But I felt she really needed a break and so I gave this time back to her as a gift. We also had a deep connecting session again today as well. We need this deep connection Lucy! It changes everything! I made a chain link out of bright construction paper to count the days she will be gone. I will tear one off each morning for my anxious wounded parts to have a visual that she is coming back. I am glad I stayed to work things out. And I am so glad you have Mark. This is proving to be one wild crazy ride. Lots of love! 💙

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      4. Wow Blue I am soooo glad that you guys made your way back to each other! I was wondering how things were feeling between you. And what lovely offers of support she suggested. I’m touched that you gifted them back to her, encouraging her to take the full holiday. You guys are a good fit Blue. You’ve worked really hard repairing this rupture and that’s not easy at the best of times but esp with what you’ve experienced. Well done 🤗

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  1. Wow L. What a long way you have come in a year. I’m so glad that this information had this impact on you. How did you land on it? I hope that this sense of solidity and grounding beds in and you feel solid in it. I imagine some parts might have their own ideas later too, but right now this is awesome. Having such a strong connection with M must help. I know, now, that even if Em came back apologising and asking if wanted to see her I wouldn’t. I know it’s very different because A really cared about you, but basically the new connection with A is so bolstering and I guess it’s the same with M. Are you guys on half term up there? If so, have a good break xx

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    1. Yeah it’s insane to think what this year has been like. The grounded energy is lasting which I’m so grateful for and I had a lovely connecting session with Mark yday (though it was emotionally so hard).

      I saw a newspaper article and the person they interviewed, I saw her and knew straight away it was Anna’s daughter. I got that burst feeling in my solar plexus like my heart stopped. Her name and her face. I just knew. And then I looked her up in fb and photos confined it. And I’m honestly so surprised and amazed that it didn’t break my heart but instead it’s felt like a closing chapter, in a good way. And you’re spot on, knowing I have Mark is definitely a huge part of my stable, safe feeling.

      The new connection you have with A is incredible RB and something you should have had all along!

      We have the Monday off up here and I have an in person session which I’m looking forward to after more processing and prep yesterday.

      Big hugs, hope you enjoy your half term 💕

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Yeah the beachy places here have been pretty busy over the long weekend and sadly it seems majority of folk have forgotten how to use a bin! I’ve got two weeks of work left then it’s the summer hols. Can. Not. Wait.

        Hope you’re getting on okay RB and enjoying the break as much as possible. 🌞

        Liked by 2 people

      2. Two weeks! Awesome. It’s a seven week half term coming then summer! Holiday has been lovely so far- 25 degrees and sunny!… apart from today where humidity is a hair disaster and it’s gone cloudy. Hanging on in there and doing admin and cleaning. Anita holiday next week. 1 session to go. But I asked her to wash my elephant last session so… it’ll smell like her 😊

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  2. LovingSummer

    So have come SO far, Lucy! What a journey. You’re quite an incredible person to brave it all the way you have done and continue to do. If hard work is anything to go by, you deserve every last bit of the healing you gain in your therapy journey 🤗

    Liked by 3 people

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