…a perfect storm of triggers and feeling abandoned.
Anna cancelled tomorrow’s session. She sent a message saying there had been a ‘family illness’ and it was unavoidable. She asked if I wanted to have a 90 minute session on Saturday to make up for it or a session on Tuesday instead. I asked for the 90 minute session. I have been completely emotionally exhausted the past few day and despite being prepared to go see Anna no matter how I’m feeling, it might be nice to not have to go all the way up there. I’ll enjoy the rest. I’m going to a spin class tonight to help discharge some of this pent up energy.
Had a long nap after work today, so exhausted. I feel like all the emotional stuff is just draining me. Work has been really hard going. Also, despite me feeling like I’ve healed quite a lot of the Christmas stuff with Anna, I am still on edge about Christmas… seeing family and the grief and longing of my little parts… it’s all quite a lot.
Massively triggered by something my husband did tonight that reminded me of a time he betrayed my trust. I thought I was over it but clearly the whole thing had a much bigger impact on me than I realised because when this thing happened tonight I freaked out inside. It took me right back to that very overwhelmed place and I shut down. Crawled into a ball on the bed with my face pressed into my pillow. Eventually squeezed the words out, ‘do you still love me?’ to him. To which he answered with a lot of gentle care that he does love me. I told him, ‘I don’t think I’ll ever be able to trust you again… or anyone. I can’t trust anyone.’
I text Anna asking if I could have a phone call. It took me all day to pluck up the courage to ask for it. She replied saying, ‘I’m not available tomorrow and won’t be in the city on Friday, can it wait til Sat?’ I felt completely devastated and like such a fucking fool for thinking I could ask for a call. I text her back saying it could wait, what else could I do? I told her I was triggered and that it had been an awful few days. I made a snap decision to go to the gym which brought all the emotions to the surface. I sobbed my heart out on the way home. When I got back I went upstairs under the guise of going to bed early with the intention of cutting myself. By some miracle I managed to push myself past the trigger. I ran myself a warm bath with salts and bubbles and candles and flowers and crystals. I sat, suspended in the warm water, floating, and thought about the days following my last session. I heard the small, frightened, lonely parts in me who long for Anna. I cried and cried and cried and tried to imagine being in her room and crying like that, from my soul, while she holds me.
I don’t think I’ll ever be able to trust anyone, ever. It hurts so much. My heads spinning. I don’t trust him. I don’t trust her. I don’t trust anyone. I’m so broken. I can’t function in relationships. I don’t even know how to just ‘be’. I don’t even know how to be with myself. I don’t trust myself. I have been so anxious and panicky all day. What is wrong with me? Why can’t she just give me one phone call? I’d only need a couple of minutes. Would I have asked if I felt it could wait? Does she not know how hard it is for me to ask? Does she not know me at all?
She said she didn’t have any time tomorrow and that she’s not in the city Friday… what does that matter? She has a mobile phone. Why can’t she squeeze 3 minutes in. fuck I hate this so much. I hate feeling so needy. This hurts so much. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to trust anyone ever. It hurts so much. My heads spinning. I don’t trust him. I don’t trust her. I don’t trust anyone.
The universe has a funny way of reminding you you’re still on the journey. Every so often you get yanked backwards, taken by surprise to a place you thought you’d left behind. The past 48 hours have been brutal and have served as a reminder that I still have a lot of work to do. My triggers, my processes, my wounds, my awareness.
I now massively regret texting Anna. What if she cancelled Tuesday’s session because she’s sitting at a hospital bed watching someone she loves fade away? what if every night this week she’s grieving and here I am demanding from her. I don’t want to have to waste time talking about this in my session on Saturday. I want to just continue with the work we were doing. But also, this is the work. I am so frustrated with myself for texting her. I knew it was a risk. Its like a test to see if Anna can still meet the offer of a call and she proved to me I can’t trust her AND I’m angry with her because she has made me feel guilty for having these feelings because she has a family member who is ill. I am so selfish. So disgusted with my inability to contain my own emotions. So ashamed of my neediness.
Anna… in the absence of you, I discovered my own strength. You weren’t there for me but I survived. I’ve been ruminating on this theme all day. I’m sure there’s anger there, protecting me from the pain of perceived abandonment. Anna replied to my text today apologising for the delay and saying she’d be there to support me tomorrow. It felt like a rushed reply and why did she send it anyway? I had to deal with no reply for almost two days – why text now? ’it’s not good enough! I could be dead by now!’ – that’s what’s going round and round… its too late. I didn’t reply to her message. I knew I couldn’t trust her to be there for me.
My perfectionism is disappointed in her. She said shed be there for me. she said ‘you don’t have to do this on your own anymore’ she said ‘you can ask for a phone call’ – but what use are these words if she doesn’t stand by them? How can she ever expect me to ever trust her when she offers something and then lets me down. Over ten cancelled sessions since we started working together. I can’t even be properly angry though coz I know they will all have been legitimate reasons… but there’s another voice saying, ‘really?’ Do you know for sure that she cares about you and your sessions? It’s just not as important to her as it is for me. I just wish she would tell me the truth. I AM on my own. I asked for a call and she said ‘can it wait’… like ‘mummy come look at this’ … ‘och can it wait!’ ‘mummy I need to tell you something’… ‘for god sake stop hassling me, can it wait!?’ … is this not enough for you? fuck sake can it wait? You’re getting 90 fucking minutes on Saturday, can’t it wait til then? What was I meant to say? ‘no it can’t wait?’ so then she struggles and squeezes 5 minutes out of her busy schedule and calls me and is like ‘this better be good… what is it that’s so important that it couldn’t wait?’ what could I possibly say? ‘oh… uh… I felt sad, I felt lonely, I wanted to hear your voice..?’ Of course it could wait, but it was agony to wait! I replied asking her to tell me that she didn’t hate me and she couldn’t even reply to that!
The people pleasing carer who was always parentified as a child keeps pulling me back to the fact that Anna had some sort of crisis, a family illness that took her away from her work. That there is a valid and unavoidable reason for her cancelling my session and not offering me a short phone call and that my feelings are not as important as her ‘real life stuff’.
I’m being unreasonable and I need to remember all that she’s done for me but its so hard to stay connected to all that. She’s a human being and she is not responsible for my feelings. What use is it being so unforgiving and so full of resentment and disappointment?
I was so tempted to cancel the session tomorrow but I realised I was just angry and wanted to punish her. But it wouldn’t be her that was punished it would be me. I’m the one that needs the sessions. If I cancelled she’d just fill my slot with someone else at the top of her waiting list.
In my early 20’s I got a tattoo that says, ‘alis volat propiis’ – she flies with her own wings. Recognition of the fact that everything I had, everything I achieved was down to me. I had nothing handed to me on a plate. No support, no easy shortcuts.
There was a self pride there but also an angry nod towards my mum and dad that I got to where I am despite their lack of decent parenting. I survived, no thanks to them! I’m thinking that my strong feelings about all of this with Anna – feeling so let down by her – it’s transference. My whole life I’ve had to do everything myself. I’ve always had to wait, I’ve never been able to ask for help. I’ve never been prioritised.
Perhaps the only difference here is that Anna will hopefully be prepared to hear me and help me repair this.