I’ve not been around much though I have dipped in and out. Things have felt quite overwhelming to be honest and I’m approaching another therapy break with a lot of anxiety. Christmas is a difficult time anyway, on top of that I’m missing Anna massively and there are a number of other things weighing heavy just now.
I have this gut feeling that I need to try to pull my focus in a little. I’m spending so much time online and although it seems like a distraction, it’s actually hurting me and it’s getting in the way of my relationships. As much as the online world brings me validation and a sense of belonging… it isn’t my ‘real life’ and the exchanges, though full of meaning and connection, leave me dealing with a sense of loneliness at times. People are there but they’re not really there. This is a reenactment of my childhood. This is purely my experience, I’m not assuming others are the same… it’s my own lack of whatever resources it is inside that I don’t have that I think other people do have. Comments and conversations on here bring me so much affirmation and they really fill me up… but then they’re gone… it doesn’t last… because it isn’t inside me. A bottomless pit of need. I’m constantly looking outside of myself and that isn’t where I’m going to find peace.
The next two weeks will be about focusing on my little family and trying to navigate the waves of triggers, trauma responses, grief and all the other things that make life complex and challenging. I will also be making a conscious effort to lean in to love and joy and silliness and fun. Though family life and face to face interactions are deeply triggering for me at times, maybe reducing my phone use and being more in the room will bring me a little of what I need.
I’ve had three sessions this week in order to try to process the magnitude of what is coming up for me as I quickly approach a year since the last time I sat with Anna. Mark is very much in encouragement of my desire to turn towards my little family, to slow down and try to take stock a little bit. I haven’t had a digital detox since the weeks leading up to Anna leaving back in May.
So I will take a break. I’m going to temporarily close my accounts tomorrow morning for two weeks (that’s the plan). If you want to keep in touch you can email me… I’m not turning away from all the lovely friends I’ve made on here, just turning away from the noise and bright lights of the web… firstname.lastname@example.org
Anyone who finds themselves reading this, I hope the next wee while brings you a little of what you need.
Be gentle with yourselves and take a moment, as the end of the year approaches, to quietly marvel at everything you’ve survived in 2020.
See you in the new year.