A reminder for myself and anyone else who may find it useful.

Bring awareness to the patterns of behaviour that keep you stuck… perhaps they feel habitual or unconscious. Make a small manageable change to break the habit. Bring awareness to how that change impacts your body and mind. Sit with and contemplate any discomfort. Let it inform you about yourself, your needs, your desires and your grief.

Be curious and accepting of what comes up. Judgements and criticisms are limiting and shaming and stifle growth.

We are habitual creatures by nature and often these habits are unconscious, driven by a comfort seeking part from our past. I value change and growth and awakened awareness but I struggle with the desire to balance growth and change with stability and comfort. A childhood defined by chaos and unpredictability has led me to lean towards safety and sameness (despite this often leading to a life lacking in creativity, expansion and thrill).

I am aware of my perfectionism and how it drives me to constantly seek new knowledge.. the know better/do better mentality can leave me feeling never quite satisfied. I want to be content and in order to even feel the edges of contentment I must sit with discomfort and know it from the inside. What is the uneasiness I feel when I am alone and unoccupied? What does it remind me of and how does the energy show itself to me?

How do I habitually self abandon? How do I routinely leave myself? How to I prioritise other people over myself and find that nobody wins? By ‘keeping the peace’ and avoiding confronting interpersonal issues/grievances, I find myself in the same relational cycles with building resentment. How can I break that habit? How can I show up for myself in the areas I wish for change?

I detach from people in my real life and fall towards online communities for support. This serves a purpose and has been deeply healing but it doesn’t deepen my relationships. I dissociate from my feelings and then wonder why I feel numb. I stuff food into the mouth that I’m afraid to speak from. I scroll through a stream of other peoples thoughts and ideas as if this will inform my way out. And it does help me feel less alone and it does fill a void… but it’s not the key to inner peace.

(My relationship with disordered eating, habitual scrolling, detachment and dissociation is not a reflection on or passive judgement of anyone else’s behaviours. This can be an invitation to reflect, but please don’t think I’m saying all food, social media and escapism is unhealthy.)

For me, personally, I wish to look at these things. I don’t want to stay the same forever. I want to evolve and adapt and grow. So, I will be observing what comes up for me as I modify (once again) my eating habits and presence online. I plan on temporarily disabling my social media accounts from the weekend.

Any thoughts or experiences greatly appreciated. The conversations on here are the biggest driver for me staying. It is the meaningful connections with people that I value.