Processing Through Unsent Texts

20.06.20

Anna,

I was sitting in the garden this morning and Reuben dragged the other chair right up beside me, he couldn’t get any closer. He sat up and said, ‘mummy, when I’m a big man taller than daddy will I still be your baby?’ I said, ’yes darling, you’ll always be my baby.’ He said he didn’t want to ever move out and live with a different family and I said he could stay with me as long as he wants and he’ll always be in my heart. It reminded me of when I’d drag the heavy chair up right beside you, Anna. And I’d ask you if you’ll ever leave. And you said unless ill health or death stops you being able to work with me you’re not going anywhere. And you told me you are always inside me and I am in you. That you’ll never forget me. Four misses you so much today. She’d give anything to drag the chair right up to you and sit close today.

Love as always xx

27.06.20

Anna,

It is so hard to not text you.

I miss you so much. With every fibre of my being. I wish we could just go back to the way things were before. It was working so well. I miss your hugs and your gentle patience. I miss being seen by you. The grief is as present today as it was five weeks ago.

I just can’t believe you’re really gone and I’m really not going to see you again.

It’s breaking my heart all over again, when I didn’t think the pieces could be broken any further.

It hurts like hell.

I love you,

Lucy xx

29.06.20

Anna,

Six weeks ago right now I had a terrifying sense that I was never going to see you again. In the morning I would receive your call telling me exactly that. I can remember your words so clearly.

I hope you know that my silence over the past 6 weeks represents my love for you, my respect for your boundaries and my desire to not make your life any harder than it already is. That I have not and can not forget you. I hope you know that I have wanted to text you every single day.

You are the biggest presence in my mind and heart. You’re everywhere.

The grief I feel for you has ripped my heart right open. There are no walls or hardened scars anymore, just an open wound letting all the love pour in and out.

Anna, you opened my heart to it all.

I love you,

Lucy xxx

2 thoughts on “Processing Through Unsent Texts

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