06.08.20

‘Know all the theories, master all the techniques, but as you touch a human soul, be just another human soul.’ C.G. Jung

Hi Anna,

I’ve been so tempted to just phone you from another number so I can hear your voice. Fuck it hurts like hell sometimes. We drove past where you live today and my heart silently broke again. It’s selfish, I know, but you were so good for me… we were a perfect client/therapist fit and I want you back. You were doing such valuable, powerful work with me, with the young parts of me. I don’t know how to do that work without you. You helped me in ways I will never be able to articulate and I don’t know how to continue that work without you. And in four days I go back to work. I wonder if, when you saw the news that schools are going back, you thought of me and wondered how I was feeling about it all. I still dream of bumping into you one day and bursting into tears in your arms. I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you. Please come back.

Love Lucy xxx

16 thoughts on “06.08.20

    1. I didn’t sent it 😔 I won’t message her ever again unless by some miracle she gets back in touch with me. It’s like the last and only way I can love her, by respecting that boundary. But it’s hurting like mad today. Linda is great and doing good work with my but since she left, Little Lucy has been shut behind a door that only Anna knew how to open. It’s just really so shit! Thanks for reading and messaging 💛

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  1. Lucy, I wish Anna could read this… read your blog and know how much you still miss her. Yes, how could little Lucy not miss her and want her. How can she even understand or not feel abandoned. I thought of you today. I read some things I wrote to my therapist and a few pages out of a book that describes how intensely painful it is to lose a therapist, and how therapists who care for us afterward need to be able to tolerate our intense range of emotions without pathologizing them. We had a very meaningful and connecting conversation about this. She asked me how it felt to read all of this to her because I was so emotional while reading it. I starting crying and said to her, “I feel like I am fighting for my life.” She was very responsive. Lucy, right now you and little Lucy are fighting for your life! My heart goes out to you! 💕

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    1. Wow, yes. That’s exactly it. Fighting for my life. It’s such a deep attachment wound. Thank you for this message. I really appreciate it, so much 💕 I wish I could tell Anna too.

      Would you mind telling me what the book is called? It sounds like I’d find it really useful. 💜

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      1. It us from the book I mentioned before, Resolving Impasses In Therapeutic Relationships by Sue Nathanson Elkind. While your loss was not due to an Impasse… for you it still was because you abruptly lost her, your situation relates. There is a chapter titled, The Mourning Process When Therapeutic Relationships Rupture. She is so intune with the gravity of the wpunding it leaves us with and the intensity and range of emotions it creates. She speaks to therapists who are left to help us and how they need to be able to handle our emotions without pathologizing them. She us aware that often we have to hide our feelings just like we did when we were children being abused because so many therapists don’t get it. I think this book should be required reading for every therapist. She also goes through attachment theory and the therapeutic attachment bond. It is a beautiful book. She is the only person I have read who REALLY gets all of this on such a deep level. It is an der book and may be a little difficult to find, although we have bought several… all used copies in very good condition. I gave a copy to my therapist and she is very pleased to have it and is open to me sharing the parts that are important to me with her. I am currently reading it for the 5th or 6th time and amazed at how much I still continue to get from it.

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      2. Aw Blue, that’s touched my heart 💔💙 I’m thinking of Anna right now as I sit in my garden, hoping that she has a garden that she’s sitting in right now as there is a rare moment of sun just now.

        Hope you’re having a good weekend 💕

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      3. Thank you Lucy! I have one week before my therapist goes on vacation for a week. I waited to see how she would handle it… I guess I am still testing her. She came through and is sensitive to how hard this can be. That at least means so much. I wonder right now for you Lucy if Linda being on vacation unconsciously for you it could feel as though she was just still filling in for Anna… and that now in her absence, Anna should be back here with you! 💙💕

        Liked by 1 person

      4. Oh wow yeah that sounds very possibly how parts of me may feel. Her being away definitely is leaving space for me to feel Anna’s absence!! It’s very hard. I’m so glad your therapist is sensitive and understanding 💕

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh L… I wish that things could be different. It feels so unbelievably unfair to have to go through this grief and pain. I hope with time things feel less bad but it’s been more than 6 months since I saw Em and it’s still raw. Hang on in there xx

    Liked by 1 person

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